by Cheryl Pfingsten
It seems like yesterday, standing in the kitchen, looking at the closed oven door, and feeling like it was a picture of how the world was closed to me – femininity, growing into my womanhood and all the rest. Mom had just told me for the nth time she was too busy to teach me how to bake. I realized with sorrow and understanding that a door had closed on my hope for connection with her and affirmation of being beautiful within. And with that realization, part of my heart died.
That day I gave up trying to model mom.
It wasn’t that she was mean, she was just busy—oriented more to work than to relationship. She was trying to give me what she hadn’t had—free time. Growing up on a farm in Wisconsin, her life had been full of challenges and daily chores. She wanted me to have better, free time to pursue my interests. So, she did most of the work around our home—alone.
I was left to wonder, “How do I learn to do the feminine parts of life?” And, “Who am I without my femininity?” Other questions also arose: “Why do I feel so alone?” “Why can’t I connect with my mom?” and “Why don’t I feel that the Lord is thinking 'It is very good' about my heart – or me as a person?”
For my search on how to be me, I began journaling. I yearned to have proof that I was “OK.” Unfortunately, in my quest for the blessing of “it was very good,” I turned to boys. But it took only a few years for me to realize that young men did not have the wherewithal to pass on a parental blessing. Next I turned to career—a degree in piano and a teaching career. Yet as enjoyable and fulfilling as that was, neither brought healing to my wounded femininity.
Last, I turned to the Lord and counseling from books and wise people. Too bad I took so long to do that, because that was where I found the answers my heart was looking for.
The Blessing of Journaling
The habit of journaling turned into one of the greatest blessings in my relationship with the Lord. Of course, I’ll want to burn lots of those notes before I die, but rereading the comments God spoke to my soul over the years eventually made me know that God loved me beyond anything I could imagine. One of the comments from Him was, “The look of femininity varies from woman to woman according to her gifts.” Another time He told me, “You are like Deborah, the warrior and mother in Israel.” The Lord’s viewpoint of me became a valued treasure and something that gave me the power to press ahead. He knew that often what we need is a better understanding of who He is and what He made us. It was Jesus Christ's loving care that brought about my first transformation in reclaiming my femininity.
The second area of strength towards healing was receiving counseling through books and people. I have found that counseling is just life and truth stated through the filter of wisdom – the statement of what God intended in life and how it should have played out and should be displayed now and in the future, according to the individual Christ made. The truths revealed in godly counseling are both biblically global and infinitely personal. One book enabled me to understand that the root of my problem was disconnection. There was no sure bond with anyone – my mom, family, friends or work associates. Yes, I had gotten married along the way to a talented and caring man, but he struggled with the same issues – only from a man’s perspective. Life can get pretty isolated when two people can work, give and laugh from the heart, but never talk from it. So, without a total or true bond I felt rejected and reacted by rejecting my mom, women in general and femininity.
Caring, understanding individuals have been the third means of healing. Feedback from such folks is invaluable. I’m too close to myself to see the truth about me. I’ve had to use my husband, women’s groups and girlfriends to gain the blessing of, “It is very good.” I clearly learned that the Lord can give through another person the truths and love you need to have restored. Healthy and mature relationships are “healing” relationships.
Removing Big 'Thorns'
Looking back at all the Lord has done, my heart yearns to share with other women the truths He has used to make me whole: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” Yes, He did heal and grow me, but not without the pain of allowing Him to remove some pretty big “thorns.” He brought me to the place where I can give and share – the place of maturity.
So, what do I share now when the heart of another woman opens up to me? Learn about true femininity through counseling and godly books, especially the Bible. Pursue open and healing relationships with those the Lord sends you. If you grew up without a mom or in an orphanage or in any situation where you did not gain the blessing of, “It is very good”, be encouraged that there is hope. And beyond hope, there is joy. God loves you and will lead you into healing as you pursue both Him and the person He made you.
He is the God of miracles. His desire is to show you that you’re one of them.
Cheryl Pfingsten is a freelance writer living in Colorado Springs, Colo.
Copyright January 2008 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
